


we're only watching the skies

by fortunatehearts



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: (lot of warnings sorry), Angst, First Years in Second Year, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Minor Violence, Unhealthy Relationships, this fucking fic ruined me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-19
Updated: 2015-11-19
Packaged: 2018-05-02 08:10:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,448
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5241014
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fortunatehearts/pseuds/fortunatehearts
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Take your meds, feel nothing. That's how it always is. </p><p>It shouldn't have gone this far, I shouldn't have met them. </p><p>But I can't imagine what it would be like if I didn't</p>
            </blockquote>





	we're only watching the skies

**Author's Note:**

> Ohh maaan, so a few things. 
> 
> This is loosely based on a book that I love called 'We Were Here' by Matt De La Peña, PLEASE read his book if you get the chance to!! 
> 
> I'm really proud that I actually finished this even if I almost trashed the idea... 
> 
> on one last important note: I don't believe the actions of these characters has anything to do with who they really are (how they are originally written), I based it around events from the novel.

Day One 1:31 pm

It must have been the tenth time I called before she finally picked up. Her voice was quivering with every word she spoke and it didn't occur to me that it was my fault until after she hung up. I clung onto the sound of her voice like it was the last time she would speak to me. It wouldn't be though, I know I'll end up hearing her voice many more times.

But the fact that she didn't say goodbye made me remember that I didn't deserve her time. I shouldn't even have been bothering her, but I still did. 

I'm just the younger brother anyway.

Always doing things I shouldn't be doing. Not like I have much going for me. What was I supposed to do after high school? That’s a rhetorical question. 

My hand clutched the phone, the long continuous beep ringing in my ears. I stood frozen for a few moments before I was shoved away by the guard. The phone fell out of my hand and hung from the curly wire, the beep not as loud... I could still hear it. 

My gaze was ripped away from the phone when the same guard pushed me down the hall into my room. The door opened and closed within a second, while I was still staring at the door a voice asked me,"Did I end up with a depressed idiot?" 

I shook my head to focus back onto the guy behind me. I turned to look at the him lying on his stomach waiting for me to reply. He was small and the grin on his face wasn't exactly from surprise. I had yet to answer so he shrugged and said,"They always pair me up with mutes..." 

I watch as he hops off his bed and walks closer to inspect me. I see the blue bruise on his cheek, and other dark purple ones scattered on his arms. "Hmm... Tall but stupid? Oh, I know! You aren't even supposed to be here! Is that it?" He giggled at the end to make his point. 

"No..." I finally replied. 

"No, what? You have to work with me here, buddy," his voice sounded like one you use with a child that has no manners. It was beginning to make me angry, but this guy didn't know me, so why should I even be talking to him? 

"Why are you so curious about finding out who I am?" His smile brightened and his eyes glowed but something else was hidden behind that confident stature. 

"I'm testing you..." the hard crack of his knuckles made me flinch slightly. "I'll find out everything there is to know about you, and I won't have to ask a single question!" 

"Do you even know my name?" I retorted.

"No,” his reply on beat. 

"Tsukishima-" my voice stuttered when I realized what I had been doing. He patted my shoulder and jumped back on his bed. His tactics seem so obvious and I could've suspected him the minute I laid eyes on that annoyingly colored hair. 

“Kei?” He giggled,”I don't let guys like you talk to me like that, but you have something I’m interested in.”

How weird... The spiky orange hair that sort of reminded me of a child's interpretation of the sun. Blue and purple bruises from probably whatever fights he's been in. Bandages wrapped around his fingers with blood sometimes seeping through. Eyes that could make you fall to your knees from the pure brightness. A screechy voice that made me think of those annoying birds in the morning that woke me up at 6 am on the weekends. 

 

“And what's that?” I asked the last question.

“The fact that you don't know who I am.” This guy is seriously fucked in the head. But that doesn't change that he's still a kid.

I don’t care if I’ll never come to know his name. 

“Tsukishima.” I rolled my eyes. “Hey, Tsukishima, don't fall asleep!”

How can he switch the topic of discussion that quick? Is he being fucking serious?

“Tsukki?” My head whipped in his direction of the smug voice when he called that nickname. “At least look at me when I'm talking to you! I'm not surprised that caught your attention. So cute right?” 

I ignored his constant commentary and muttered,”You're not allowed to call me that.” He felt my cold glare but that didn't affect his excitement. 

“How scary…” he squinted his eyes at me and smirked. “Who called you that, Tsukishima? Your parents? Brother? Close friend? A secret lover?! The possibilities are endless!” He noted when I shuddered at one he listed. 

“Why do you care? How could you even possibly know that?” 

“Tsukishima, what did I just tell you? I already know your life story, might as well have some fun with it.” He twirled a piece of bandage between his fingers and studied the bleeding knuckle. On his bed was the discarded roll of taping. We’ve known each other for less than half an hour and yet he's just started mocking the life I lived before this whole mess. 

“I don't feel like fighting with a child today…” Was my last response but he froze. That's when I first saw it, a shadow casted over his face and an insane glare glossed his eyes. It wasn't malicious, mostly empty. 

“There's a reason I'm usually alone in this cell, Tsukishima.” 

I've never been so amazed by someone in my entire life.

Day Two 11:56 am

 

I thought about my big brother. 

Even if he seems like the perfect son, good grades, dedicated to his sports team, and absolutely adores his family. My older brother is the best at lying. 

One time we almost got caught on the roof sneaking a look at the stars late at night, he covered for us by saying that he was looking at constellations for a made up project. Our mom didn't really bother and dismissed it. Not really a big deal right? No, that's not what I'm talking about. 

When I was in primary school, my brother said he joined the volleyball team at school. By middle school, he was the ace of his team and I wanted so bad to be like him when I was in high school. Every time I asked him if I could go to one of his matches he told me that I ‘would make him too nervous.’ I couldn't think much, I believed him even if I asked mom about it a lot. She wouldn't properly answer it, just smiled warmly. She never went to his games. I didn't get it. I wanted to make sense of the excuse he came up with each time. 

Eventually I did go, and boy was it a show. The biggest lie he ever told was to me. It wasn't the tiny white lies he told mom whenever she wondered how his day went and he would say ‘fine, what about about you?’ Oh no, this was way worse. 

I saw his number from behind and a part of me was ripped out of my chest and smashed into the ground. He was sat on the sidelines, his head hung in shame, all I could see was the guilt that tore him apart. I did that to my brother? The person who I had trusted for so long lied to me? This wasn't to protect me. It was to protect the way I saw him. He could've avoided this completely, but it's pathetic how far some people go to get the approval of someone they love. 

We suffer for the ones we love I guess...

The Car Ride: 

I can't call him by his given name. Well, he hasn't told me so, maybe just Sunny? It's dumb, you think I don't already know that?

We're being transferred to a group home. We had been woken up in the middle of the night, quickly packed our stuff, then got thrown in a car headed for a small town a couple hours away.

A group home meaning more kids just as screwed up as we are, and adults that either don't care about us and just want government money, or some over empathetic losers that care too much for the nobodies that we are. 

Sunny was restless beside me. I let him fidget with my left hand while I looked out the window with my head leaned on my right. The roll of bandaging was in one of his hands while he tried to wrap my ring finger. Like any other five year old, he got bored midway and started talking too much. 

"I hope we don't get stuck with a bunch of weirdos." His bruises faded a little bit overnight... Or a shade darker. I could see it yellowing around his cheekbone.

"I mean, we're weird too, but I can't deal with more anti social people like you, Blondie."I clicked my tongue at the nickname, as if we hadn't gone over this hours ago. "I need people to talk to! Not a brick wall...." 

"I hope I don't have to room with you again." 

"Aw, but it's inevitable!" He reached to wrap his arms around me and I struggled to tug him off me. He buried his face into my neck affectionately and I sighed defeatedly. There was a glare from the driver and I elbowed Sunny's side, shoving him off a little roughly. 

He huffed but shrank back into his own seat. Crossing his arms like a slightly older five year old. 

Still Day Two 12:31 pm 

The place is covered with posters thats’ colors are fading and quotes from those weird inspirational seminars for people that don't know what to do with their life. The other kids here shouldn't even be here. What makes you think that being with people in shitty situations just as bad as you for a few months at the least, is gonna help us ‘get better?’ On all of our bedroom doors we have the set of house rules so that they're pratically etched into our brains. 

It wasn't surprising that the little shit got into another fight. People like him irritate you until you have no choice but to say or do something. That wasn't even the case... It was entertaining to say the least, what Sunny lacks in height he suffices with that brutal punch. 

Oh right. 

So we walk in together and the guy in charge of us greets us. He practically emulated every cheesy father figure in the movies. This guy was genuine though, he wasn't much older than us probably in university. It could just be to graduate. "Hey guys, so do you want to meet the others right now or tomorrow morning?," I snickered but Sunny seemed to nod yes eagerly. "I just want to meet with you both really quick.” 

Sunny was radiating pure excitement. I crossed my arms and followed him while we were lead to a small office. 

Inside, the blinds were closed and I looked over to Sunny. He shrugged as I inspected the room. One desk, and a couple filing cabinets with nameless documents. More specifically on the desk was our files. Our pictures sticking out slightly, I resisted the urge to look at the file that wasn't mine. 

"Now I know that the two of you are somewhat close-"

"We aren't," I had interjected. He silenced me with a glare and I turned away. 

"That confirms that you don't know each other's 'story,' correct?" We nodded slowly. "You're still room mates, that doesn't matter." Sunny looked jittery, he couldn't keep still and the tapping of his foot was pissing me off. 

"You can call me Daichi." 

Sunny bowed and rushed out,"May we please be excused?" The slight wave of dismissal was enough and he ran out of the door. Did he really like meeting new people that much? No, he was just bored. 

I followed his noisy introduction to the backyard where he was talking animatedly with a dark haired boy with a small bleach blonde streak. The reply was just as happy, and I felt like I could've gotten a sunburn from just being in the pair's presence. 

I watched them talk, about sports, family, what their favorite color is. I sat cross-legged on the grass for a while before I felt a rough shove. I looked over to find another boy. He had bruises on his cheek just as bad as Sunny. His face showed anything but pride in the purple marks. The scar hiding under his bruises almost went unnoticed... Just kidding, it was thick, and old. 

"What's your name." Oh? It was a demand.

"Go find out yourself." I pointed to Sunny, he was licking a soda flavored popsicle, occasionally talking with the other boy but distracted. 

He had walked with his hands shoved in his pockets and a blank face. The second he walked past Sunny, the orange haired boy froze. Not with fear, well possibly, but he was speechless. A soft breeze swept their faces and the boy loomed over Sunny. 

It was quiet and muffled from where I was but I heard him say,"Kageyama." 

That was the wrong thing to say, poor boy. Sunny rose to his feet, grit his teeth. Then he tackled Kageyama to the ground, seething. They reached to pull each other's hair, Sunny kneed him in the gut and almost got punched. Kageyama was slower. But definitely stronger. 

Nobody tried to stop them. The kids only watched with wide eyes.

He straddled Sunny, grabbed his neck and began to squeeze tightly. Sunny gripped Kageyama's face and pushed him away harshly. Sunny scooted away from him and jumped back onto his feet. He almost tried getting on top of Kageyama and swinging his fist but I had decided that was enough before somebody seriously got hurt. I ran over to wrap my arms around his chest from behind and pulled him off Kageyama. After a few scratches on my shin and a busted lip from Sunny's head butt to my face, he stopped kicking and started yelling at Kageyama. 

"How dare you talk to me like that?! I know that fucking face you gave me when you said your name! I'm not a peasant, you stupid king! I know who you fucking are!" The rest became unintelligible when the same sentences were repeated over and over.

Daichi came out somewhere in between this whole mess. He leaned closely to Kageyama to mutter something about a ‘last strike.’ 

Kageyama spit out some blood into the grass and stared at the boy losing his mind in front of our eyes. With a scratchy voice, a dark red dripped down his chin with every word he spoke. "Go tell your psychiatrist something's wrong." 

That's something new I learned about him, Sunny knows everyone. No one knows how, but in less than a day he's already figured out your life story. He's never explicitly mentioned mine, but to immediately attack Kageyama for saying his name says enough. That kid is dangerous. 

"Stupid fucking king!" He screams with one last breath. He faints against me, I ignore the shocked stares. Daichi gives us one look and I carry Sunny over my shoulder into the house to patch him up in the kitchen. 

"He's okay," I whisper when I walk past Kageyama. 

"Why the fuck do you think I care?! That little-" He stops mid sentence when he remembers Daichi was cleaning up his bloody nose. I heard the crack when he said 'care.' His hands formed fists and 'Why would he have the audacity to say that?' was written all over his face. It was hilarious. 

"I know," I said finally giving him one last look behind my shoulder. 

Day Five 10:56 am 

 

Since I’ve been here I noticed Kageyama gets picked up every other day… I see him walk out of the front door in the morning then a few hours later he comes back. At first I thought he had finally left but Sunny told me it's “simply” therapy. How can it be that simple though? You go to a professional and cry about your problems, then prescribe you some sketchy medicine, supposedly to ‘numb’ the emotions. I refused to get my head messed with, people still hurt themselves with that kind of emptiness. 

Some other kid told me that Kageyama is full on mad, but the guy has done nothing wrong. Sunny went psycho from the tone of his voice, why haven’t they talked about him? Smart choice for them but that doesn’t explain anything. He began telling me that Kageyama got the scars from some car accident, it really wasn’t the subject I wanted to talk about but I listened to another boy say he parents were as crazy as him and attacked him. 

“He snapped a poor kid’s arm in half for not ‘obeying his rules,’” he made air quotes and then looked directly at me,”Tsukishima, how did the orange haired kid know about the ‘King’ thing?” he looked really scared and I almost laughed. 

“He knows everything.” I was sick of listening to their absurd stories. 

“The cops had to come, you can’t-”

“I’ve heard enough.” This was bound to make me go insane.

Day Ten 3:42 pm

Sunny told everyone that wanted to know my story I stole somebody’s bike. 

I guess that’s what I am. A thief? 

Day Seven 6:56 am

Every once in awhile I like to sneak up onto the roof and look at the stars. I looked at familiar constellations my brother would point out to me when we laid on the hard tiling, never getting tired. I wasn’t gonna do anything with what I knew from the small astrology lessons he gave me. It was the one of those secrets I couldn’t hide from our parents, this one they didn’t mind.

It was the only thing that I still did into middle school, it was the only factor that made me seem like a normal kid to them.

I was barely able to unhinge the window to climb the side of the house, but a few scrapes on the paint made me a little nervous. 

Tonight was clear, the moon wasn’t full but the stars captivated my gaze. For a while I appreciated the small connections I remembered but a memory flashed quickly in my mind. Breathlessly staring the sky, I wanted to tear my glasses off but my arms wouldn’t move. Everyday it’s the same one but this time I saw us lying next to each other. My hand had never felt so cold in such a long time. 

I felt unease in my stomach and my body acted quicker than my mind. Then I was standing in my room, soft snores from the bed across mine brought me back to the present. 

I fell asleep with shining stars and the darkness from inside our neighbor’s houses.

Day Eight 7:13 am

He came into our room last night. I heard the door open and slow footsteps coming from behind me. He leaned over me. 

"You shouldn't say things you don't mean," his whisper was threatening but I didn't reply. "I know you're awake, turn around." 

I picked myself off my side and found him pressing a kitchen knife into my chest. I glared at him, but he continued,"I have a proposition for you."

"Why would I-" he shoved his hand on my mouth and shushed me. His nails dug into my chin when I tried to pull away.

He hesitated. "If- We can't wake him up." It sounds strained. "I can't take him." His hand is still covering my mouth. "We're going to leave." 

My first question was 'Why?' But that was rhetorical. Then, how would we do it? We can't just do it- "Sawamura-san is gonna meet with us tomorrow morning. He’s planning on transferring you. So I have a plan." He moved his hand back but pressed the knife a bit harder. "You have no choice but to go with me." 

He was right. It didn't hit me until then but I realized that nobody cared about me. I may care about all the people I left behind but I know they don't care about me. I can't even care about myself. 

"I can't leave him here," it might be guilt but if something happens he has to go with me. The idiot can't survive without me. There's another example of somebody I might start caring about but will push away. 

"He won't last-"

"Kill me then," I challenge him, moving closer to let the knife poke through my shirt and cut my stomach lightly. I'm the only person he can trust, the other kids here don't deserve to be tormented like this. He needs someone that has no repercussions. I have no reason to live or die. 

His defeated sigh was music to my ears. "Go wake him up," he mumbled. He's just as guilty as I am. 

I walked to the other bed and shook Sunny's shoulder. He squinted his eyes and opened up one to check who woke him up. "Blondie? What do you want?" he croaked.

"We're leaving." 

"Right now?!" He bursted out of the bed. The grin on his face slowly turned into a grimace when he saw the other boy planted on my bed. Barely taking into account the knife held in his hand I grabbed Sunny from his shoulders before he could pounce on Kageyama. "What is he doing here?" Sunny hissed. 

"He's the one with the plan, not me..." 

Kageyama huffed in annoyance but began his explanation,"This is gonna take a few days, don't rush it, dumbass." 

"Just tell us the stupid plan," 'this is getting weird.' I want to say but these two are fucking oblivious idiots. 

"We need to get the keys to Sawamura-san's office. I already know how to get them but I needed more people to pull this off- whatever. With the keys, one of them opens the file cabinet that has money from some stupid fundraiser thing. We can use it to get train tickets to Tokyo and other stuff along the way..."

"Why are we going there?!" Sunny whisper yells. 

Kageyama ignores him and continues,"I have some people that can get us fake papers and get us work" He released a deep breath,"We have to make a few stops on the ride to Tokyo. Whether or not we split up after we reach Tokyo is up to you guys." 

Sunny fell silent and I watched the two share awkward glances. "Now, how do we get those keys?" 

Kageyama finally looked at me and smirked. "I'll distract him." I rolled my eyes. “And when we get the money as planned. I was supposed to get us a ride to the station, but he does’t want to be part of this. During the nights we're here, you two need to help me figure out an opening so that we don’t get caught. We’ll have to make a run for it.” 

Our Counselor Had to Meet With Us: 

“This is just to check in with you guys, so how are you doing?" Daichi asked him with his arms folded on his chest and our files held in his hand. I wanted to grab them and throw mine into a fire. Anger swirled in my stomach watching him wave them around with every movement he made with his hands. Careless bastard. 

Sunny shrugged,"I got to know some guys here."

“Okay,” he mutters softly,”I can’t have another incident with Kageyama.”

A small smile,"Are you mocking me, Daichi-san?" 

"The others tell me that all Kageyama did was say his name and you jumped on him." 

He did say the truth but something clicked and Sunny’s normal anxious stance was broken. He looked Daichi square in the eye and with a small voice he whispered,"I respect you, Daichi-san... But he thought he knew me... Just like you right now, all because you read whatever was printed on that stupid piece of paper. Now you know me, hm?" He chuckled. "And since you know what I have done, you have the right to say whatever you want about me. Isn't that how it is for every person that's stuck in this house?" 

"I would never tell anybody, this is all confidential-" he didn't look nervous, but I saw him finally put the files on the desk. He paused for a moment to take a breath. "You have to go back to-"

"Fine then. Just don't say it." Those were his final words before we were dismissed. Sunny casted his gaze to the floor as we walked into the hallway. He was probably piecing together every single thing Kageyama said to us last night. I didn't say a word. 

Day Eight 1:34 pm

I don’t know why it worked. Sawamura-san has to be a complete idiot. 

"Blondie, can you block for us, please!" Sunny called over from the makeshift volleyball court. Kageyama looked at me from beside him and nodded. 

"You can fill in for me," Kageyama said as he walked off the grass to sit next to Daichi, he was watching us now with a heavier presence. I lifted myself off the porch steps and fake sighed. 

The keychain was hanging from one of his belt loops, so if we can get him to take it off, Sunny will distract him enough for Kageyama to slip the office key into his pocket. "Hey, Daichi-san! Play volleyball with us, Noya-san was telling me you're really good at receives!"

He laughed lightly and smiled joining the team that didn't have enough players. Sunny panicked a little bit and choked out,"You have to take off the keychain or you might cut yourself!" 

I rolled my eyes from my side of the net at his professional acting skills... He thought for a moment before removing the keys from his pants. Throwing it at his jacket laid carelessly beside Kageyama. Surely Sawamura-san can't be that idiotic. 

While we played a friendly game of volleyball, Kageyama had told me that he already knew which key opened the office, but it took at least ten minutes to figure out which key opened the small safe on top of one of the filing cabinets. 

There was burning dread when I remembered our files were probably still on Sawamura-san's desk. Wonderful. 

When he returned both Sunny and I glanced quickly to watch him sit back down and shove the keys into the jacket. His face showed very little shame for stealing money from a group home. I had no remorse, I didn't know these kids and I don't get attached to people. It's that simple.

Day Nine 1:16 am 

We were lying on our beds and the only thing on both of our minds was if this would work. If it did, we wouldn’t be able to come back from this.Sunny peaked over and murmured,"How do you think Kageyama got that scar?"

"Don't you already know?" I retorted. 

He hummed. "Well yeah, but I want to know what you think..."

"Maybe he killed somebody." I wasn't going to answer seriously because that would be too predictable.

Sunny giggled. "He'll tell you eventually. I mean, I think it's nothing to be proud of..." I shivered and Sunny smiled at me sadly from his bed. I couldn't tell if it was pity or something else that enveloped me from the look in his eyes. 

 

Two hard snaps and a light knock and we both tore our gaze away. I walked over to the door, opened it, looking out into the dark hallway. A voice rasped,"Now." 

I look back at Sunny and nodded. The wood creaked. 

Sunny had found a screwdriver rummaging in some drawers in the kitchen a couple days ago. He was probably gonna use it for something else but at the moment it was to take off the screen in front of the window.

He crawled out legs first and dropped onto Kageyama waiting at the bottom. They moved out of the way so I could get out. The same as Sunny, my shoes clung onto a ledge, and with loud thud I landed on the grass. My legs collapsed almost, but I turned to face Kageyama and Sunny. 

We stood amazed for a second before I saw a security guard walking slowly towards us. Sunny took off running in the direction of the street that crossed the corner, quickly pulling the hood of his jacket over the head of orange colored hair. A rush of energy coursed through me, Kageyama and I caught up to him. My footsteps felt heavy but if I stopped now to reevaluate I’d get left behind. Do or die situation.

When we reached the new set of houses, Kageyama led us through alleyways and behind houses. The small porch lights made all of us anxious but me slightly more because I had no idea where we were. We crossed a small bridge eventually into one of the busier shops places, Kageyama looked around for a moment. Nostalgia. 

Passing the parked cars and peeking into closed stores, we turned one more corner into a passage between two stores. Kageyama leaned against the wall and slid down to the floor. With his knees to his chest it almost seemed like he was sleeping. Sunny pulled his hood off and released a shaky breath.

Why did I trust him? I don’t know. There’s a high chance he might get us killed but I know nothing about him or the next guy. 

“We need to leave now if we want to get to the station,” was the last thing he said before Sunny passed out in front of him. Kageyama sorta caught him but that meant I had to carry him all night until he woke up. 

He is so lucky that he’s such a short guy. 

Day Ten 7:38 am

On our first ride, it was fine. Sunny was falling asleep on me yet again and Kageyama was look outside the window aimlessly. I had been close to finishing my last entry when I felt someone staring at me. I looked up from my writing and caught eyes with a girl sitting across from us. 

She smiled kindly at me but I only furrowed my eyebrows. It was pretty empty so I heard her soft voice over Sunny’s snores. “Are you a writer?” I shook my head but she continued,”Okay then. What are you writing about then?”

I thought for a second. “The sun.” Was my answer. 

“Oh. And what about it?” She glanced at the boy on my shoulder, nearly laying on my lap. 

“It needs a break sometimes. And that's why the moon comes out, to let it sleep.” I was putting too much thought into this, but I can’t tell her I’m on the run with Thing One and Thing Two. 

“I see. What about the stars, hm? Who are they to you?” My breath caught and she giggled. Kageyama still hadn’t glanced at us but he was listening. “It can’t be him.” Her slight gesture to him was enough. 

“Nobody.” I focused my gaze on the floor, her shoes at the corner of my vision. 

“You have me.” I heard the sweet gentle voice, and saw the calm face in the reflection of the window but it was gone in a second. 

Kageyama watched as I burned a glare into the seat in front of me. 

Their Other Fight: 

We were sitting in one of the nearby parks outside the entrance of the station. Sunny got something quick to eat and was munching happily on a pork bun when Kageyama took some papers out of his bag. Sunny was still distracted by his food but the manila folders were enough.

Our files. 

“Kageyama, why did you take those with you?” I tried my best to be quiet but he’s an idiot for bringing them.

“I didn’t read them but-” Sunny tackled him from the side and shoved him off the bench he was sat on, onto the ground. 

“You bastard! How dare you?!” he screamed, some birds flew out of the trees at the sound of his screech. Kageyama grabbed onto his shirt and was about to throw him but I gripped Sunny and pulled him off. 

“Cut it out! We can’t be fighting in public!” They glared at each other, but my only concern was if he did read our files. “Nothing in those papers says anything about who we really are...” 

I noticed Kageyama turned away from where he lay on the concrete, those ugly scars out of view. He coughed hard into his arm. Sunny snatched his file from the ground and opened it. He was close to ripping it in half but instead he pushed it into Kageyama’s chest. “Since you want to read it so bad, go ahead. Tobio.” 

His hand held the file against his chest until he grabbed it. He shook his head and whispered,”No.” There was a menacing smile directed at me when he tried to give the folder to me.

“No.” Was my immediate verbal response but I don’t know if I wanted to look at it or not. Sunny crossed his arms waiting for me to take it. “This isn’t my business.” I picked mine up from the ground and read my name over and over again. “This doesn’t matter anymore does it?”

“You have to take them before either of us go mad and destroy them. I know you won’t.” The three folders together weren’t very thick but they felt heavy, so I shoved them in my bag before I could drop them. 

The tense air between ‘almost fight’ was suffocating. 

Day Eleven 5:13 pm

I can’t say our exact location but we were to arrive in Shinagawa soon enough… Kageyama said he wanted to head to Minato, he didn't say anything after I asked him why. 

Minato was southeast of Tokyo, meaning we'd be taking longer to actually to Tokyo. Sunny stayed silent when he said this, but he studied my reaction, as if he wanted me to fit the puzzle pieces together. I still didn't understand. 

Sunny is Not Allowed to Talk to Girls: 

We were walking around a small town I forgot the name of. Most of the trains run under the main cities, and it would be a while until we reached a stop that ran closest to the east coast. Sunny looked bored and forced us to go exploring around the central mall shops. Coming into view of the bright posters and advertisements, Sunny ran ahead to the first thing that caught his eye. 

I ran after him into a cafe. He stopped short to look around as if it was the first time being outside. He all but ran to the display of pastries and small cakes. Kageyama slapped him lightly on the back of his head and grit out,”Don’t go running off, I know you have a bad sense of direction… Dumbass.” 

“It looked really neat from outside! Why are you so un-fun?!” A hard glare was directed at him.

“Can we go? It’s not like we were gonna buy anything…” I was already walking out the door by the time that the two realized it wouldn't be best to waste time right now. The two separated to walk on both of my sides, this is unbelievable. 

“Oh, do you know what I want?” Sunny asked excitedly, but answered his own question,”One of those bubble teas! I heard they were really good and I’ve always wanted to try one!”

“Are you allowed to have that much sugar?” Kageyama snickered and Sunny huffed in annoyance. 

“I’m just like this, Kageyama, you don’t have to talk like that.” He crossed his arms almost hitting a girl that was walking past him. We walked for about five minutes and just when we could’ve left the minute all of us walked out of the cafe, Hinata found a very light pink painted tea place that had what he was looking for. 

“Look! Can I get peach, please! I-”

“Calm down, we can’t simply waste our money on-”

“Here you go,” a girl’s voice interrupted mine. A teenage girl with short brown hair and a kind face handed him a peach tea with milk. Sunny looked at her with bright admiration and gave a small ‘thank you.’ “You can have it for free under one condition,” she whispered. Sunny’s cheeks tinted when she leaned forward,”I’m having a small party and if you and your cute little friends come,” her voice lowered,”maybe you can get a little extra.” 

Kageyama and I stared at her incredulously. She isn’t seriously hitting on him is she? Sunny looked back at us with a desperate look. What would she do if we don’t go? I sighed and Kageyama looked like we was about to murder someone. The girl handed him a small piece of paper with an address.

Sunny waved at her goodbye and something else covered his face when we were out of view. With a smirk he said,”Are you jealous Kageyama? I got invited to a party and she only called you a ‘cute little friend!’” He burst out laughing when his Kageyama’s face turned the other way. 

It was over within a second when Kageyama turned back around to whisper something in his ear. I couldn’t hear but Sunny stopped laughing and he looked embarrassed. 

Before the Party I Didn’t Want to Go to: 

“What did you do Tsukishima?” Kageyama asked suddenly while we roamed aimlessly looking for the house the party was at. Sunny kept asking total strangers for directions and we got lost a few times, but we were going somewhat the right way. 

“Whatever the guys at the old house said.” 

“You stole something? I don’t believe them.” 

“Why?” was my last response.

“When I first asked you to leave with me, you didn’t care if I killed you for not going. Something really bad had to happen for you to get messed up that bad.”

“What did I say? I have no reason to live or die. Haven’t you heard of hiding your emotions? It’s really easy, you should try it.” Neither of us were looking directly at each other nor paying attention to the conversation much. 

I know it should hit me that what I wasn’t normal or that I didn’t deserve to wake up everyday and live, but not feel alive. It doesn’t scream in my ears, but whispers softly. The voice is small and vulnerable, scared yet destructive. I see Sunny and Kageyama next to me but they make themselves more obvious, how can you do that? Leave yourself so open for someone to say whatever they want because they want some sort of reaction.

I don’t get it. 

The Party I Didn’t Want to Go to:

It wasn’t really late by the time we found the house. It was a big house with mostly vacant houses surrounding it. The volume of the music didn’t matter.

If you haven’t realized it yet, before this I didn’t go to many parties, maybe a couple with my old friends. We walked in together, but there were so many people they split off from me. 

I could’ve left them here at the party, taken the money from where we hid our bags in the backyard of some empty house a few doors down. I’m not the big of an asshole though. Instead, I grabbed a random can or beer and opened it but didn’t drink from it. 

It wasn’t until after a few beers some girl came up to me earlier asking if she could hang with me outside. We walked onto the front porch, I leaned on the banister with my eyes closed. She looked like she wanted to ask me something else inside but I kinda wondered where Kageyama and Sunny went off to and if they were together. They better not get drunk-

“You’re not from here are you? Are you a college boy?”

“I’m sixteen, why would a college guy come here?” She blushed in embarrassment and I held the need to roll my eyes. “I bet you're a first year. Ya know little girls shouldn’t be out so late.” She averted her eyes to the drink in her hand and set it on a ledge. “Why did you ask to go outside with me?” 

“You seemed as alone as me-” 

“You’re alone. I was ditched. There’s a difference.” 

“Why are you so rude?” she called out. Her brows were furrowed and she looked angry. Wonderful.

“That’s who I am, you should-”

“You haven’t always been like this, Tsukishima. You didn’t push away anyone who tried to help you.” Her sickly sweet and innocent voice wasn’t matching up with the mocking words. 

“Fuck off. I don’t want to hear about the stupid stars or how broken I am. You think I don’t know?”

“That’s what I’m here for! To remind you-” she began to get louder and I wished I deaf. 

There was a light hand that landed on my shoulder and I felt sick to my stomach. “Stop doing this!” I screamed turning around to push her off. Nobody was behind me, a few kids were looking at me weirdly. I’ve had enough by now, I rushed into the house. 

Pushing through the partially drunk crowd, I know those losers wouldn’t be dancing. I made it to the backyard, Less people scattered on the grass but still no Kageyama or Sunny. 

Forced myself back, ready to go upstairs, I felt lightheaded. My head was spinning but I stomped upstairs, there was a hallway and doors on either side. I began opening doors that weren’t locked. Shoving a couple out of the way without thinking, I almost slid it open, but I realized it might look perverted. 

I was ready to kick it down from the sudden anger than overcame me in that moment but I suddenly thought that they might have left me. I pressed my burning forehead against the cool wall next to the door. 

Then from the room next to me I heard the most horrifying noise. Never in my life had I been so mortified and disgusted. 

“Kageyama!” It was strained and muffled. At first I thought I was imagining it because honestly I wouldn’t expect anything less. But I heard the same screechy high pitched voice clearer than before but a different name,”Tobio!” I almost wanted to laugh but reality slapped me in the face. 

I wasn’t going to walk in on them as fun as that sounds, so I went back downstairs and left the party. The streets were dark aside from the house I was just in. My footsteps felt heavy and I wanted to collapse on the ground from being so dizzy. Eventually I did get to the backyard where all our stuff was. I fell on my knees and gripped my bag. The sky was so clear tonight. 

The stars flickered like a heart, constantly beating. Stars burn out, they can be replaced, I remember the same things everytime. I nearly fell asleep thinking about what she said to me. I remembered the files. 

I took them out of my bag and looked at Kageyama’s first. I could barely make out the words. 

Kageyama Tobio 

Health issues: Attacked in a domestic violence dispute at fourteen, knife slashed his back, some of his left arm, and on the left side of his face, leaving scars. Diagnosed at sixteen for major kidney disease. Waiting list for transplant… needs to return for treatment every 2 days. Clinically depressed… Suicidal tendencies

Criminal history: Arrested at fourteen for arson, set fire to his house in… Fifteen for vandalism… Fifteen for… assault… 

I didn’t want to read the family history, I moved on to Sunny… 

Hinata Shouyou

Health Issues: Diagnosed severe bipolar disorder… torn muscle… 

Criminal history: Arrested at fourteen for assault with deadly weapon…. Arrested at fifteen for assault… at sixteen for… 

I closed the folder slowly then saw my name on the last one. 

“Tsukishima Kei.” 

I really did want to read what they said about me. About my brother, about how my parents weren’t bad at all. Anybody would be confused the first time they read my file. I sat staring at that name for a while, deciding if this was the right thing to do. 

With my cold dead hands, I read the first few words but I couldn’t read the rest. It was so empty and real. This all happened and here is someone writing about it but only the truth, no bias. 

When I felt my hands begin to shake, I took the three folders and ripped them to shreds. Small pieces of paper littered the floor around me. The guilt was killing me. 

Looking back to the stars, I felt the tears that dripped down my chin fog up my glasses. I pulled them off, a sad smile covered my face. “How pathetic.”

Day Twelve 10:16 am

They found me asleep with the bags in the backyard and woke me up around 8 am. None of us talked when we walked back into the city.

The train rides were quiet again, Sunny wouldn’t look me in the eye. Kageyama simply stared at his hands in his lap, expression stoic. 

I caught Sunny lean his hand down to feel where his leg was pressed to Kageyama’s. The more stops we reached closer to Hamamatsucho from Shinagawa the tighter Sunny’s fists balled up. 

“Maybe we could go to the gardens that are… near…” Sunny’s voice slowed when he noticed we weren’t listening. 

My Old Friend:

When I was in middle school, this boy from a different class became my friend, he was the complete opposite of me. Really shy, but kind and the lowest self esteem to every exist. 

I enjoyed his company because he initiated everything, had the loudest voice in the room when he was around me. We ended up going to highschool together.

Our constant was that we would look at the stars together at least once a week and talk about anything. I would listen to him talk for hours and never tired of hearing to his voice.

Midway into our second year of highschool, he moved. It was like the death of my best friend.

Day Thirteen 11:39 pm

When we got to the beach Kageyama pulled out a bottle of sake and sat down right in front of the waves. I’m assuming he stole it when we were at the party. Dried up seaweed and boulders were scattered along the beach. 

We talked about our family. I went on and on about my brother even if it made my throat feel itchy and choke on my words. Kageyama listened, sometimes commenting, but his eyes never tore away from the ocean. 

Day Fourteen 2:16 am

Something flashed across his scar-covered face the moment we stepped onto the sand. It was gone in less than a second. I don't know why I didn't see it sooner. 

Sunny was watching from a couple meters away, Kageyama was sat next to me watching the waves crash, high tide had already come and was slowly creeping up the beach. He didn't look at me but I heard him say faintly,”Have you ever loved someone so much, that you wish you could give them all the love they deserve?” 

The question was abrupt and my eyes widened in shock, I didn't trust my voice enough to say ‘yes.’ He understood my silence.

“I used to live here with my parents when I was young, before I showed signs of whatever the hell I have, I was brought to this beach so often.” He paused,”Do you want to know what happened after I told them I fell in love?”

“They didn't believe me, but- it-” then he started laughing. Right in my dumbfounded face. “Who do you think I am, Tsukishima Kei? Am I the one who killed his parents? Am I the one who had to go to therapy nearly everyday? Isn't that what you heard from the other guys?”

“Sunny hasn't-”

“Shut the fuck up. His name is Hinata. His name has always been Hinata, I don't want to hear that stupid nickname come out of your fucking mouth.” I could tell from the sharpness in his voice he was preparing for this conversation. Gritting his teeth, he desperately tried to control his words. 

“Who were you in love with Tsukishima? The pointless stars in the night? They don't last you know? At some point they die out and nobody notices because there's so many- almost like they're all the same?” I didn't bother to look at him. “Were you two the moon and stars hm? How fucking sad that-”

“I dare you to say more god damn word. I’ve heard so many people say the same thing, you’ll never have the right to tell me how I have lived my life.”

“You left, didn't you?” An annoying smirk covered his face. 

“How can you be such a hypocrite?” The final word left my mouth and he stood up. “Do you want to fucking know what happened to me, Kageyama?” 

He looked back expectedly. “My boyfriend had to move when his parents found out we were together.” I stood up to stare him square in the eye,”I loved him so much that I went crazy when he moved away. I loved him so fucking much that when my brother tried to get me help I felt so betrayed and nearly killed him.

“I thought that he was trying to tear us apart. Then there was this girl, you know which one. She reminded me of him and sometimes I think I hear him but it's my mind playing tricks. I don’t know where he is.”

“Schizophrenia.” 

“I don’t know if he was even real, Kageyama.” 

“You are nothing without these stars in the sky. They can only keep you sane for so long.” He finally looked me in the eye. Wet sand covering his clothes, I watched him get up and walk into the burning cold water. He walked until it was up to his waist. Waves crashed against his chest and a strangled cry of his name made him freeze for a long minute. 

This wasn't some spontaneous midnight swim. Sun- Hinata ran to me shaking. “Tsukishima you have to let me go get him I can't let him-” his quivering voice spoke behind me but I couldn't answer him the right way.

“Don't save him. He doesn't want to be saved.” 

He moved deeper into the waves and I lost track of his head. Just like that, all I saw was waves fading into nothing beyond what we could see.  
There was a shuddering breath from behind me. The sound of something falling onto wet sand. And a heart wrenching sob that ripped through the silence. I couldn’t stop staring though… 

 

He was just talking to me ten minutes ago, wasn’t he? The second I realized that this wasn’t just some crazy thing he was doing for fun, I realized just how selfish a human being can be. You can’t just make other people suffer to end your own. That’s not fucking fair.  
The salty smelling wind was making my stomach churn and the tears dry faster than they should. 

 

I could see his knuckles turn white from digging his hands into the ground and the short gasps. He coughed hard and then smiled. With a stream of tears falling down his face, he choked out,“Did he not love me enough to stay?” His smile fell and in a small voice I can barely hear,“I knew Tobio would do this, those ‘few stops’ on the way?” His eyes landed on my face,“He didn’t want to take me because I knew he loved me.” 

 

“Why did you still-” I started.

 

Then he screams,“I’m just as fucking selfish Tsukishima! And you are too! You think I didn’t hear you talking on the train. How you would melt in your seat when you thought you heard his voice talking to you. It wasn’t real Tsukishima!” 

“You think I don't know that…” 

“I'm sorry this happened to you, Tsukishima.” I listened to the pure devastation and vulnerability when he spoke. In his eyes there was a pain no one could fix. An ache somehow deeper than the love they shared. One that seeped into your bones and suffocated your mind. “I’m sorry he left you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way. I’m sorry the love of my life did this to you. I’m sorry-” his voice cracked and more tears fell down his face. He mourned through his broken cries. 

I couldn't do anything but listen to him mutter ‘Kageyama’ over and over again into my shirt. “Tsukishima, you have to promise me something…” His entire body shivered in my arms,”Don’t do anything stupid after I say this.”

He didn’t wait for my response because he knows I already agreed,”He was real, Tsukishima. His love was real.” 

There on that beach three teenage boys turned to two. It was the most silent and destructive love story between Hinata and Kageyama. They loved each other but Kageyama couldn’t bear to live another day, knowing that he should have died all those years ago. Hinata thought that maybe they would go to Tokyo. 

At that party, Hinata told him they could start fresh, Kageyama didn’t answer him. He simply pressed his lips against Hinata’s and distracted themselves. It was a love so painful, they lost each other. They made love but Hinata cried on his shoulder as he felt Kageyama press inside him. He gripped onto Kageyama so tight nail marks were left on his arms. His whole body shivered from a disarray of emotions. Hinata felt a hand cup his face and wipe away tears, but here now, here on this beach miles away from where they should be, he’d never feel the same.  
Hinata wanted to scream and beg for him to come back, wanted Kageyama to look back at Hinata and stop himself. His numb legs would walk back onto the dry sand and hold him in his arms. They wouldn’t need to say anything, just make sure the other is still here. 

He didn’t. He may have looked back but Hinata just reminded him of the life he wasn’t destined to have. 

 

I stared up at the stars and cried. 

Day Fourteen 12:34 pm

I want to reread this meaningless journal and laugh. Except, with all that happened with Kageyama, Hinata could barely go on. Not that he isn’t alive, but I could tell from merely looking at my other shoulder with his bag, his eyes died. 

I was meaning to look through his bag, but it just wasn’t a possibility. 

The reason I keep scribbling out the words written before is because I don’t know what to say. I’d write all the lies I wanted to, but I have this for a reason. 

You want to know what really happened and why I ended up in this fucked up mess? 

Here’s What Happened: 

That old friend I talked about a couple days ago was true. We met around middle school, and ended up in highschool together. 

He was amazing and bright and loud. 

We had different classes the first year, I was in a college prep. (How shocking.) He would eat lunch with me everyday and would walk home with me everyday. That was our routine, sounds normal for friends right? 

Right in the middle of our second year, he did it. The very beginning of our morning, before I could say hi, he rushed out a confession and ran away. At first I didn’t hear him over the bell, but I made the most out of the jumbled up mess. 

He didn’t eat lunch with me that day. He didn’t walk home with me either. 

I messaged him that late afternoon asking if I could come over. His response was ‘Ok…’ 

Barely a second after I opened the door, I caught a flash of his blotchy teary eyed face before arms wrapped around my neck, and he let out a panicked,”I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean it!” 

I ignored his apology and gripped his hand to take him outside. We ended up on his roof, by the time it turned night. He sat next to me with his thigh sliding up against mine and his eyes trained to the stars above.

It was unusual. I don’t get crushes, or have interest in many people. I may barely call a girl ‘cute.’ But in that moment, something clicked. Feeling him so close to me, hearing his voice so cracked and shameful. My instinct was to lean closer to him. He flinched at this. 

He forced his gaze from the sky to look at me with wide, scared eyes. Scared of what I would say, afraid of my reaction to his feelings. Maybe I should have pulled away and told him I never wanted to be his friend again. Maybe I shouldn’t have kissed him. Maybe I shouldn’t have fallen in love. 

But I did. 

Love is disgusting. 

Our kiss was soft and hesitant. The feeling of our lips touching was shaky and his warm hand nervously trembled in mine. I cautiously laid my other hand on his hip to pull him flush against me. When we detached, his breath was shaky on my cheek. His eyelashes fluttered slightly when he opened them up again and leaned away. He covered his mouth with a hand. My heart beat rapidly in my chest when I realised how strangely intimate I made the kiss. 

He let out a relieved breath and leaned his head against my shoulder. “Do you love me, Kei?” he asked.

“Yes.” was my response. 

Our relationship was the same. We didn’t show it at school, but it's not that we didn’t want to, our tendencies simply didn’t change. Every lunch I’d listen to him talk on and on, but now I listened with a more deeper understanding. I heard the soft occasional squeaks in his voice sometimes and watched the way his lips moved. 

No one is allowed to tell me I didn’t love him. The day we fell apart was disgraceful.

“I can’t be with you anymore,” he said to me with tears dripping down his face. I felt frozen in time. “My-” he choked,”I’m moving.”

“That doesn’t mean we can’t-”

“My parents found out,” his voice was dead. It sounded like a broken record. 

I couldn’t find the words to say something to him. My heart was shattered, I walked away silently. He might’ve hoped I would turn around and say that I could fight for our love, but I’m not an idiot. 

When I got home, it was normal. I could’ve walked into my room but my brother walked out of his with a bright smile on his face. “Oh, what’s up, Kei? What did-”

Before he could say his name I muttered,”Shut up.” 

“Did you have a fight? I know-”

“We broke up, now will you leave me alone?” I shut my door but not slamming it. 

Then I started hearing his voice like nothing happened. I’d have normal conversations for a while, but he always mentioned by the end that I have to go back to him. I couldn’t. I grew used to this new “person” and suddenly when our second year was over, he disappeared. 

He was replaced by a girl. She was everywhere and never left me alone. I talked to her because she wouldn’t let me ignore her. She always brought him up and I never realized that I was suffering. She reminded me that I missed him and I could never love somebody else, I ruined us by kissing him that night. 

“Kei, do you still talk to him?” my brother asked me one afternoon. 

“Who?” I answered dumbly.

“Sometimes I hear you talking in your room and I almost think that maybe you call him...” 

“I guess you could say that.”

“Don’t ruin yourself,” he said,”I know you loved him but maybe it wasn’t meant to be.”

“How could you say that to me? Do you want to know who I talk to then? It’s a girl. She has this nice sounding voice that feeds me lies everyday. She says that I was the reason this all went to shit and asks me ‘Why do I bother living without a cause?’” I could feel her watching from across the room. “And I don’t know. It doesn’t seem worth it.”

“Listen to me Kei, I know you’re messed up about him leaving but you can’t…” I can’t remember the rest of what he said. 

“Why do you push people away?” her voice whispered into my ear. 

“You’re not real. You’re not real. You’re not real,” I repeated over and over again. My brother looked sadly at me. 

“Akiteru-kun lost his little brother to me again.” 

“Is she real?” 

“She isn’t real, please listen to me!” His hands were gripping my arms as I stared past him. His desperate calls for his little brother, but I couldn’t answer him. 

I lost control. I have no idea what happened after. 

It wasn’t anything I did to my brother. I don’t know why it happened. I sort of woke up and part of me was gone. Replaced by the mourning of a lost love. If you asked me to go back and change one thing I wouldn’t know where to start. He was my uprising only to discover that he was truly my downfall. 

Day Fifteen

I don’t care about what happens in Tokyo. 

If today is my last day that I’m sane, then let it be known I was a pathetic fool that lived to die with two other idiots as fucked up as I am. 

Tsukishima Kei

Health Issues: Severe Schizophrenia… Antisocial… Minor depressive states. 

Criminal History: Arrested for assault... near manslaughter of… 

‘Departure of a past partner caused behavioral changes. Hallucinations and dissociation.’

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much for reading and please tell me if I made any mistakes!! my tumblr is guccikei


End file.
